It seems that with every victory comes some kind of defeat. I seem to be clicking right along, feeling good, smiling, and then something comes along to make what is seemingly sweet turn bitter. It just seems to be that way.
People who believe that Christians have it “all together” just really don’t realize that we too struggle. There are doubts, anger, frustration, hurt, disappointment. No one is immune. It’s like a disease that we all have that lays dormant for periods of time and then crops up its ugly head. When it’s good it’s really good, but when it’s bad–well–it just hurts like hell.
Don’t get too bent out of shape when you read that, because it is an accurate description. Hell is not defined as only a place of fire and brimstone. It’s not just a place of pain and suffering. It is a place where those who experience it will be in the total absence of the God of heaven. So, when I feel those times of anger, frustration and disappointment, it feels just like God is not there. It feels like He has decided to let us struggle for a while all alone. It’s scary. It’s hell.
My grandson Robert (8 months old) knows that feeling of alone already. When mommy or “gran” (that’s Ellen) leaves the room, he will sometimes cry out in fear and frustration. He don’t understand that they are just going to the bathroom or to the kitchen for a drink of water. He senses something of absence and therefore has a fear that we don’t understand, but he does. And yet I can’t help but wonder if we feel the same thing in dark times.
Here is the comfort I’m receiving from my own blog. Mommies and grans always come back when the crying starts. They come back with love and concern. Though it may be for a night or even two, most of the time it’s not that long. Because in the heart of mommies and grans is the face of that crying child who desires their return. And as much as the child wants them back, they want to be back.
Why can’t I see God the same way? Today I cry out. Today my arms are reaching into what feels like a dark place–the unknown. It’s scary, but I must know in my heart of hearts that though it may be for a night or two or a year or even a lifetime, my Father is too longing to be with me again. I sure long for him. I am waiting. Please come soon Father.