It’s been a long time since I have written. I wonder if anyone is even stopping by here any more. Blogging isn’t always about whether anyone is listening or not–it’s just therapy to write sometime.
Anyway, I thought I’d write and explain a little about where we have been in the past few months. It’s been almost three months since my last post. Before that only one in August and two in July. The interesting thing about those posts is that they represent just how confusing my life has been for the past year. I’ve gone through pain, joy, excitement, hurt, and more. At times I’ve been able to function fairly normally. At other times, I’ve been an absolute jerk to myself, other people, and especially to God.
I feel very much like I’ve been through some kind of grief or something. I’ve denied the reality of things that existed. I’ve certainly been angry at the situation–to the point that I have completely alienated myself at times. I’ve bargained with God, “Lord if you will only take this away, I will….” I would not admit it, but depression has crept into my heart more than once through all of this time. And, then there are the recent times of accepting where I am and just waiting on God to do whatever it is that He is going to do with me.
That last step is one that I want to focus on now. About three months ago, or at least that is the best of my remembrance, I decided to stop being angry at God, the church, people, and myself and just get on with it. It was such a liberating feeling. To “let go and let God,” which is a phrase you didn’t want to tell me 6 months ago, has been awesome. That hasn’t meant that things are always good now, but it has allowed me to be in a more accepting and humble frame of mind.
After doing this, I found that the words from the Father seemed clearer. I have found an ability to stop and listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. When I think about someone, I call or go see them. When I feel that God is leading in a certain way, I try and just follow that. It’s made me a much more giving husband, understanding father, and a better co-worker.
Work has been a real issue in my life over this past year. I’ve done everything from work in a music store, a sporting goods store, clean houses with Ellen, driving a school bus, sell so much stuff that the dog is getting nervous–just anything I could to get by until…. I didn’t know what “until” would be and still don’t know ultimately, but I made a decision to walk into whatever opportunity that seemed like an open door–no matter what kind of money I would be making. I’ve had so many great experiences that I should have been blogging about, but was just not in a frame of mind to do so. Maybe sometime I will write it all down.
On September 17, I was hired at my most recent job–Front Desk Clerk at the Marriott Shoals Hotel and Spa here in Florence. I once mockingly said, “That place is too ritzy for this area, it will never fly.” Boy was I wrong. It has thrived now for 5 plus years and shows no signs of stopping. I love the people and what I do. I have said that if it paid more than what it does, I’d be content doing just what I’m doing now. Who knows where this work will lead?
As far as “church” goes, I’ve been through so many emotions. All of the grief process I spoke of earlier is really due to my church experience. There are not enough megabytes to type how I really feel here. Some have said, “You ought to write a book about it.” Maybe someday I will. The cool thing about it all is that I have totally and I mean TOTALLY let go of all of my hurt and anger toward the organized church. God has had to have been the one to set me free from this because the hurt and anger was so deep, I don’t think I could have done it myself.
I want to say a special thanks to all of the people and entities who have been there for me in so many ways. Groups of people and individuals have come to our financial aid and still continue to do so. The government that so many of us have maligned has and continues to help us get through this. Creditors have been at times understanding and let us slide till the next month.
So many of you who have doubted that I loved you because of my actions, I truly am sorry and hope that you will forgive my stupidity. To the church that I have fussed about and put down, please forgive. To my family who has put up with me in the worst of attitudes–I am sorry and pray your forgiveness.
I feel that my feet have been placed back in a solid position for the time being. That does not mean that I have it all together. It just means that, for now, I feel I can function. We have started meeting in our home with a small group of believers on Sunday mornings to follow the call of God on our hearts. We feel that God is calling us to minister to people who may not feel they belong in a larger group of Christians like in a conventional church setting. I don’t know where this is going, but I feel it is where God is using us right now. On Wednesday nights, we attend Macedonia church of Christ and they allow me to teach in the teen class, which I thoroughly enjoy and feel at ease in. Teens have always played a special part in Ellen’s and my life. These kids are awesome too!
Thanks for listening. I love you all.